** Official Joke Thread **

[Warmy]

Jodster asked me to create one because the other one is not findable. :D

Ok, I'll start with a joke


FISH MARKET

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.

He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

[Smalls]

and you don't start out with a joke? :wtf:

:lame:

[Smalls]

read what I wrote!
http://forumspile.com/Funnay-Morpheus.jpg

:shakehead

[Smalls]

i aint deleting shit, foo :laughing:

[MZDA PWR]

so this married couple are driving along on the highway


and the wife goes hunny i want a divorce

so the husband speeds up

then the wife goes im also taking the house the car and kids

so the husbands speeds up more

then the wife goes hunny are you okay your kinda taking this too well

the husband speeds up and says yeah im fine becuase i got the only air bag Bit*h! and drives into a wall

[Warmy]

i aint deleting shit, foo :laughing:
:laughing:

Now where is Jodster....:laughing:

[Warmy]

so this married couple are driving along on the highway


and the wife goes hunny i want a divorce

so the husband speeds up

then the wife goes im also taking the house the car and kids

so the husbands speeds up more

then the wife goes hunny are you okay your kinda taking this too well

the husband speeds up and says yeah im fine becuase i got the only air bag Bit*h! and drives into a wall

wow, weak ass joke. Try to have something called "teh funney" in it next time.

[MZDA PWR]

My friend asked me the other day if I wanted a frozen banana and I said "no, but I want a regular banana later so... yeah."

[Smalls]

wow, weak ass joke. Try to have something called "teh funney" in it next time.
http://badattitudes.com/MT/archives/GoEnglish_com_ThePotCallingTheKettleBlack.gif

[MZDA PWR]

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

[Smalls]

A man goes to the doctor complaining about pain in his elbow. The doctor has him pee in a cup and then takes the sample and dumps it into a small machine. After a few seconds the machine spits out a piece of paper, the doctor looks at it and proceeds to tell the man that he has tennis elbow, to take a few aspirin and to ice his elbow down every night.

The man is pretty incredulous that this machine could diagnose all this from a urine sample, so he decides to test it. That night he goes home and has his wife, daughter, son, and dog all pee in the cup. Then to make it interesting he adds a little motor oil from the car, and to top it off he masturbates into the cup as well. The next day he goes back to the doctor, who puts the sample into the machine. This time the machine churns out a much longer piece of paper.

The doctor looks at it for a while then says, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that your wife is having an affair, your daughter is pregnant, your son is using heroine, your dog has rabies, and your car needs a new transmission. But as for the good news, if you stop jerking off so much, that tennis elbow should clear right up."

[Smalls]

A very sick man is in the hospital, taking many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.

Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where they land on a drunk who is staggering home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, and asks what’s the commotion.

"I don't know, officer," the drunk says. "But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

[Smalls]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

[Smalls]

A businessman gets on an elevator. There’s already a blonde inside. She greets him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiles at her and replies, "S-H-I-T."

She looks puzzled and repeats more slowly, "T-G-I-F."

He again answers, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde is trying to keep it friendly, so she smiles her biggest smile, and says as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiles back to her and once again says, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decides to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answers, "And ‘S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, its Thursday.'"

[Smalls]

After a particularly rough day at the office, a guy drives by his favorite bar for a quick drink. But things get out of control and before long he’s as drunk as he’s ever been. He looks at his watch: "Oh shit, I've got to get home to my wife and kids!" He pushes his chair back from the table and stands up, only to fall flat on his face. Once again he tries to stand up, but his legs just aren't cooperating. "I've never been this drunk before," he giggles to himself.

Slowly he manages to get up on all four and determined to get home, he begins to army crawl. After what seems like hours, he reaches his front door, manages to get the door open, and quietly slips into bed next to his lovely wife.

The next morning he awakes to the angry face of his wife. "You got drunk again last night, didn't you?" she says.

He puts on his best poker face and says, "Honey, I love you more than anything. I swear to you from the bottom of my heart I didn't drink last night. I just had a very long and hard day at the office."

"Well, I love you and I want to believe you," the wife says. "But the bartender called and said you left your wheelchair at the bar."

[LoneDC5]

Two Jews walk in to a bar.....





...and they buy it.

[MZDA PWR]

A man in his 40's bought a new RSX and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The windows were down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a RSX," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[Warmy]

A man goes to the doctor complaining about pain in his elbow. The doctor has him pee in a cup and then takes the sample and dumps it into a small machine. After a few seconds the machine spits out a piece of paper, the doctor looks at it and proceeds to tell the man that he has tennis elbow, to take a few aspirin and to ice his elbow down every night.

The man is pretty incredulous that this machine could diagnose all this from a urine sample, so he decides to test it. That night he goes home and has his wife, daughter, son, and dog all pee in the cup. Then to make it interesting he adds a little motor oil from the car, and to top it off he masturbates into the cup as well. The next day he goes back to the doctor, who puts the sample into the machine. This time the machine churns out a much longer piece of paper.

The doctor looks at it for a while then says, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that your wife is having an affair, your daughter is pregnant, your son is using heroine, your dog has rabies, and your car needs a new transmission. But as for the good news, if you stop jerking off so much, that tennis elbow should clear right up."


lol

[Warmy]

A businessman gets on an elevator. There’s already a blonde inside. She greets him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiles at her and replies, "S-H-I-T."

She looks puzzled and repeats more slowly, "T-G-I-F."

He again answers, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde is trying to keep it friendly, so she smiles her biggest smile, and says as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiles back to her and once again says, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decides to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answers, "And ‘S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, its Thursday.'"


lol

[jodster]

:laughing:

Now where is Jodster....:laughing:


I'm working. Well, Sort of. lol


Gotta look and find that joke again.

[jodster]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

[jodster]

Q: What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?





A: Telling your parents you're gay.

[jodster]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[jodster]

Q: What makes five pounds of fat look really good?










A: Nipples

[jodster]

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."

Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"


rofl

[jodster]

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?







A carrot.

[arizonarsx]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

hahahahahaha best 1 :rotfl:

[jodster]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

[Warmy]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

I don't get it, explanation please.

[d0wn5h1ft]

I don't get it, explanation please.
lol. the old guy soiled himself while talking to the reporter.

[Warmy]

lol. the old guy soiled himself while talking to the reporter.

so what;s funny about it?? what happened when the tiger lunged at him in India? :dontknow:

[Smalls]

warmy just proved that "if you have to explain the joke, it's no longer funny"

take it down jodster, it's done here... :laughing:

[Warmy]

warmy just proved that "if you have to explain the joke, it's no longer funny"

take it down jodster, it's done here... :laughing:

I dunno, do you get the joke? what happened with the tiger in India? What's so funny that he said ROOOARR and he soiled himself talking to the reporter?

[Smalls]

the joke is he yelled rawr in the story, scared himself and crapped himself....it doesnt matter what happened after that....

moment of silence for a now unfunny joke.......:(


:D

[Warmy]

the joke is he yelled rawr in the story, scared himself and crapped himself....it doesnt matter what happened after that....

moment of silence for a now unfunny joke.......:(


:D

yes but what happened with the tiger man...how did he got out of the situation??? :laughing:

[d0wn5h1ft]

damn man. i thought it was funny. if this goes on, warmy might kill every joke in the thread :crying:

[d0wn5h1ft]

yes but what happened with the tiger man...how did he got out of the situation??? :laughing:
that's not the point lol

[Smalls]

yes but what happened with the tiger man...how did he got out of the situation??? :laughing:
it. doesnt. matter.

man you know how to kill a joke...

[d0wn5h1ft]

this one's a little old

Beer for Geeks

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
MAC Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the wastebin.

Windows 95 Beer: The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows 98 Beer: See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.

Windows 2000 Beer: A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...

AmigaOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

[d0wn5h1ft]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The
officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,
sir."


The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise
control at 60,perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly
from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your
mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As
the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his
wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic
$75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see
officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled
me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your
seat belt when you're driving." And as the police
officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE
HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"No, officer. Only when he's been drinking"

[Smalls]

lmao @ geek beer. nice!

[d0wn5h1ft]

A drunk is sitting at the bar. He turns to the guy next to him and asks “Do you want to here a dumb blond joke?”

The guy says “Hey buddy, I’m a professional kick boxer and a natural blond. My other buddy is a professional arm wrestler and is a blond. Our other friend is a world class power lifter. And he’s a natural blond too. So, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The drunk thinks for a minute and says “Not if I have to explain it three times.”

[Warmy]

A drunk is sitting at the bar. He turns to the guy next to him and asks “Do you want to here a dumb blond joke?”

The guy says “Hey buddy, I’m a professional kick boxer and a natural blond. My other buddy is a professional arm wrestler and is a blond. Our other friend is a world class power lifter. And he’s a natural blond too. So, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The drunk thinks for a minute and says “Not if I have to explain it three times.”

repost from other joke threads, but still funny. :laughing:

[arizonarsx]

lol warmy the smart ass... :laughing:

[d0wn5h1ft]

some lame puns

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


A dyslexic man walks into a rab.


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."


Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

[d0wn5h1ft]

lmao

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it....no, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

[d0wn5h1ft]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[d0wn5h1ft]

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks,"What about the smell?"
He says,"Hold its nose."

[d0wn5h1ft]

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Can you cry under water?

What level of importance must a person have before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

[d0wn5h1ft]

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.

[d0wn5h1ft]

There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section. A flight attendant realizes the blonde's mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York first class."

The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York first class."

The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.

Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.

They ask him and he says, "Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"

[d0wn5h1ft]

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?


Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them.
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management.

[d0wn5h1ft]

A drunk and his dog walk into a bar. The drunk says “Hey Barkeep. Will you buy me a drink if I get my dog to talk?”

“If that dog talks I’ll buy you drinks all night.”

So the drunk turns to the dog and asks “Tell me what’s on top of a house.” “Ruff” responds the dog. “See, he said roof.”

The bartender is far from convinced.

“OK then. Dog is sandpaper smooth?” The dog seems to shake his head and says “Ruff”. “Rough. He said sandpaper’s rough.”

The bar tender just laughs and points to the door.

“Wait, one more” Says the drunk. “Dog, who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?”

The dog wags his tail and says “Ruff”. “See, the drunk says He said Babe Ruth”.

Now mad at wasting his time, the bartender throws both out. The drunk is upset and looks angrily at the dog “What’s the matter with you?” he scolds the mutt.

The dog looks up and says “What, I should’ a said DiMaggio?”

[d0wn5h1ft]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.


The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[Warmy]

"

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Cause it's closed at night....sheesh, freaking engineers. :laughing:

[RyosukeFC3s]

Cause it's closed at night....sheesh, freaking engineers. :laughing:
another joked killed

[Smalls]

another joked killed
moment of silence.......:(

[d0wn5h1ft]

motion to ban warmy from all joke (and apple) threads.

all in favor say 'aye.'


AYE

[Smalls]

ARG.

I mean, AYE.

:D

[d0wn5h1ft]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him.

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship.

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

[d0wn5h1ft]

Top 25 Explanations by Programmers when their programs don't work.

1. Strange...
2. I've never heard about that.
3. It did work yesterday.
4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
5. How is this possible?
6. The machine seems to be broken.
7. Has the operating system been updated?
8. The user has made an error again.
9. There is something wrong in your test data.
10. I have not touched that module!
11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
12. You must have the wrong executable.
13. Oh, it's just a feature.
14. I'm almost ready.
15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
16. It will be done in no time at all.
17. It's just some unlucky coincidense.
18. I can't test everything!
19. THIS can't do THAT.
20. Didn't I fix it already?
21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
22. It works, but it's not been tested.
23. Somebody must have changed my code.
24. There must be a virus in the application software.
25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?

[d0wn5h1ft]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[d0wn5h1ft]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"!

[d0wn5h1ft]

A middle-aged man marries a younger woman but discovers that no matter what he does in bed, she won't orgasm.

So he takes the problem to his doctor who explains that maybe fantasy sex is the answer.

So the man hires a young, charming male escort and has him stand naked while waving a towel over the couple as they are having sex. They try it but to no avail.

The man goes back to his doctor who suggests trying things the opposite way around, with the escort having sex with the woman whilst the man waves the towel.

Now becoming desperate, the man gets the same escort and tries the doctor's method.

Soon the woman bursts into a great orgasm and the man throws down the towel, taps the escort on the shoulder and shouts triumphantly, "See, thats how you wave a bloody towel!"

[d0wn5h1ft]

A class of school children filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said the same thing. "Hey, this tastes like ****!" Then I would say, "It is, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[d0wn5h1ft]

A guy married his childhood sweetheart and they set up home to live happily ever after. Unfortunately, his 'tool' was quite a bit small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead.

For seven years, he done the same thing during sex. One night his wife started to suspect that something was wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights!

The woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am disgusted, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of ****."

So the man said, "Shut up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

[d0wn5h1ft]

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an air plane.

The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.

The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me £5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you £5."

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me £5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you £50! "
Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer £5.

Now, its the Engineers turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer £50.

The Engineer politely takes the £50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands £5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

[jodster]

hahahaha Good jokes.

Warmy?? Old man shit himself.

Rooaaarrrrr!!!!

aghh. See. I did it too. lol j/k

[d0wn5h1ft]

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my ****," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discuss the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[d0wn5h1ft]

How to Please Your I.T. Department

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

[d0wn5h1ft]

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

[d0wn5h1ft]

Dear Tech Support,

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,
XXX



Dear XXX,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support



Follow-up mail from tech support:

Dear XXX,

Your Husband 1.0 has been infected with the Mistress 2.1 virus. Try
Divorce 3.5 to remove present headaches.

Tech support

[d0wn5h1ft]

lmao

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w"with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas!

[d0wn5h1ft]

Passing requires only 4 correct answers....a measly 40%.


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?



All done? Check your answers below! Scroll Down













ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ



1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after what animal?

Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?

Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange , of course.



What do you mean you failed???????

[d0wn5h1ft]

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat



Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down

[d0wn5h1ft]

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.

Probably not the same elephant then.

[d0wn5h1ft]

There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head. They were all sitting in a hair salon talking about their daughters.

The brunette says, "I was lookin throuh my daughter's purse and I found a pack of cigarettes! Can you believe that my daughter smokes?!"

So then the redhead says, "Oh my gosh, I was looking through my daughter's purse and i found alcohol! Can you believe she's been drinking?!"

So then the blond says "I was looking through my daughter's purse and I found a condom! Can you believe my daughter has a penis?!"

[d0wn5h1ft]

A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean.

Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy."

She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asks.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry."

[Leek]

lol

[jodster]

Good God. lol

The title of this thread should be changed to d0wn5h1ft's Joke Thread. lol

[d0wn5h1ft]

Good God. lol

The title of this thread should be changed to d0wn5h1ft's Joke Thread. lol
hey you had your turn already :p

[d0wn5h1ft]

Many years in the future, Linus Torvalds, Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates were brought to heaven and allowed to ask God one question each, to which he promised He would answer truthfully and completely.

Linus walks up to God and asks Him, "When will Linux be completely secure and bug-free?" God sits and ponders for a moment. After a few minutes He replies, "Linux will be completely secure and bug-free in about 10 years." When he hears this, Linus becomes disheartened. "I may not live to see that day," he says.

Steve runs up to God and asks Him, "When will Mac OS be completely secure and bug-free?" God sits and ponders for a moment. After a few minutes He replies, "Mac OS will be completely secure and bug-free in about 20 years." When he hears this, Steve becomes very depressed. "I may not live to see that day," he says.

Bill walks up to God and asks Him, "When will Windows be completely secure and bug-free?" God sits and ponders for a moment. After a long time God still is pondering, and Gates asks him again, "When will Windows be completely secure and bug-free?" Time passes and soon God replies, "I may not live to see that day."

[d0wn5h1ft]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.

"The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


*****Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.*****

Male readers: Please scroll down.















The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really not so bright but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that you women never listen!

[arizonarsx]

A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean.

Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy."

She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asks.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry."

HAHAHAHAHAH :rotfl: :rotfl: i've been on that boat, lmfao

[d0wn5h1ft]

Three men are sitting at a bar and talking about the last birthday present that they got for their wives.
The first one says, "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds!" The other two ask him what he got her. "I got her a Porsche. And she's never been happier in her life."

The next guy says says, "I know what you mean. I bought MY wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! -and she's on cloud nine!" "That could only be a Ferrari," the other two say.

"And what did you give your wife for her birthday?," they ask the third.

"Now, I don't want to brag, but I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 2 seconds." "No way," say the other two, "That's way faster than the Ferrari, did you get her a rocket sled?

"Nope." the other man says, I got my wife something faster. But the funny thing is that she's really not all that happy about the fact that it goes from zero to 200 in less than 2 seconds."

"Wow." one of the men said, "That's hard to believe. Do you have a picture of it?"

"Sure!!"


click here (http://demo.physics.uiuc.edu/LectDemo/descript/91/black-scale.jpg)

[d0wn5h1ft]

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

[chima07]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.

"The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


*****Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.*****

Male readers: Please scroll down.















The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really not so bright but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that you women never listen!


Sooooooooo tru.

[loganz]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[jodster]

Elmer Fuds kid just wanted to get laid. lol

[Warmy]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

weak! ... weighted ...Leighted doesn't sound the same. I want to get laid doesn't sound the same as I want to get weighted.

[Smalls]

weak! ... weighted ...Leighted doesn't sound the same. I want to get laid doesn't sound the same as I want to get weighted.
actually if you pronounce it in correct english, it does.

it's not weighted. its just weighed.

[Warmy]

actually if you pronounce it in correct english, it does.

it's not weighted. its just weighed.

Yeah, I think you're correct. Strange, I've been hearing weighted all too often. But you're right. :thumbsup:

[Smalls]

Yeah, I think you're correct. Strange, I've been hearing weighted all too often. But you're right. :thumbsup:
well in the joke, "weighed" is use.

but weighted is a term, it's an adjective to describe something that is heavy.

[soccerman002]

weak! ... weighted ...Leighted doesn't sound the same. I want to get laid doesn't sound the same as I want to get weighted.

You are the dumbest bastard on the forums, hands down.

[Warmy]

You are the dumbest bastard on the forums, hands down.

really? I thought that was you. It changes every week I guess.

[d0wn5h1ft]

weak! ... weighted ...Leighted doesn't sound the same. I want to get laid doesn't sound the same as I want to get weighted.
hey you're banned from this thread, remember? :p

[Warmy]

hey you're banned from this thread, remember? :p

You cannot judge me, I CREATED THE THREAD! :laughing:

post some more..

[d0wn5h1ft]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Warmy]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


Haha..hehehe *ckucke* :laughing:

[d0wn5h1ft]

A man and his wife go to Las Vegas for the first time.

When they arrive at their hotel, the wife asked about all the beautiful young women standing around the lobby.

The man said, "Those are hookers. Prostitution is legal in Nevada." The wife was skeptical, but they continued on to their room. The man finally ended the discussion by saying, "O.K. You hide in the bathroom, and I'll call and have one sent up." She agreed, and hid in the bathroom. The man called the front desk and asked for an escort to be sent up. A few minutes later, a beautiful young woman came to the door. The man asked her, "So, what's the going rate nowadays?" She answered, "$300.00." "Whoa! I wasn't planning on spending that much!" he said. She asked how much he had planned on spending. "$20.00" he said. Insulted, the woman left.

So the man and his wife decided to go down to the hotel casino and play the slots. On the way down in the elevator, it stopped and the same young woman got on. She said to the man, "See what $20.00 gets you?"

[d0wn5h1ft]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my
mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry for her says, "Why don't you go home for the
day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I"d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I
have the best chance of doing that here." the boss agrees and allows the
blonde to work as usual.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying.
"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister
and she said that her mom died too!"

[d0wn5h1ft]

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[d0wn5h1ft]

Corporate Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

[d0wn5h1ft]

Corporate Lesson 3:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

[d0wn5h1ft]

Corporate Lesson 4:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullcrap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[d0wn5h1ft]

Ten Best Things to Say if you Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk.

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent to me ."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got Here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.
Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Heck! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"

NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk........

Raise your head slowly and say, "Amen."

[d0wn5h1ft]

Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red velvet jacket."

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red velvet jacket, and, after donning the jacket, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red velvet jacket and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red velvet jacket before each battle?"

The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and awaited his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Bring me my brown corduroy pants!"

[d0wn5h1ft]

oldie, but goodie:

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[D]

Stolen from another forum




1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".


3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

29. If you are asked what you would do if you saw a girl getting mugged in an alley, you NEVER respond with "i'd hide"....even if you have to lie.

[JulianCasablancas]

welcome to the intranet

[PrivateDonut]

welcome to the intranet
:iamwiths:

[Skunk2K20]

O yeah someone showed me this right after they showed me Microsoft Word... and the Bible.

[jodster]

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

[jodster]

What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?

A small medium at large!

[jodster]

You might be a redneck if your senior prom had daycare.

[JohnBlaze]

Here they go...


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
(Not that there's anything wrong with that)


2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.


3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.


4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.


6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.


8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.


11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.


12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.


13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.


17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.


19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.


21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:


(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!


22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.


23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.


24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.


25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.


26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.


27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.


28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.


29: Pull out


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.


"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"


"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say, "You're next!"


We hope this clears up any confusion.


The International Council of Manhood, Ltd

[Cevap]

that miller lite commercial sucks ass

[FrIsCo RsX]

fuck, sometimes i shed a tear during the national anthem like during the superbowl and other stadium events. that should be a man law, can't a nigga love football

[ClA]

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

You fucking kidding me right? Good more for the rest of us.

[dc5guy]

Potentially and realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from
that."



So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of
course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house
and send you kids to a great University!"



The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"



The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know
how much a million bucks would buy?"



The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you
and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living
with two hookers and a homo.

That joke is awsome!! hahah

[rival22]

:dontknow:

Where is the part in the joke of the father throwing his son out of the house?

[SEvoIX]

Joke thread...biatch....

[mr2guysingh]

http://forums.clubrsx.com/showthread.php?t=404669&highlight=Official+Joke+thread


Stupid n00b

[dc5guy]

theres a joke thread. wow I did not know that hahahhahahahhahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[mr2guysingh]

Hahhahahahahahahahaa, not funny

[The-S]

:rotfl:

[SEvoIX]

lol

[dc5guy]

but what is funny is that my space page you have linked. thats hilarious.

[SEvoIX]

but what is funny is that my space page you have linked. thats hilarious.
Say wtf?

[The-S]

shut yo god damn't ass up!

[dc5guy]

it all started when my mother took my bike away
cas i murdered my guinea pig and stuck em in the microwave...

[FireLegnendGT]

DEFENTIONS OF Poop
GHOST Poop: The kind where you feel the Poop come out, but there is no Poop in the toilet.

CLEAN Poop: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.

WET Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.

SECOND WAVE Poop: This happens when you're done Pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poop some more.

POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSEY Poop: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.

DRINKER Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN Poop: (Self-explanatory)

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-Poop-Poop: The kind where you want to Poop, but all you do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP Poop: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS Poop: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

LIQUID Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

MEXICAN Poop:It smells so badly that your nose burns.

UPPER CLASS Poop: The kind of Poop that has no odor.

THE SURPRISE Poop: You are not at the toilet because you think you are about to fart but...oops...a

Poop!!! THE DANGLING Poop: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

[MITeggy17]

Lol, I've read this before.

[JnR]

If I have a date
and I think I'm going to mount her,
I go to the drug store and I head to the counter.
I get what I need and I put it in my wallet,
It's the same old thing no matter what you call it!

A Condom, A Scrote Coat, a Man Hole Cover,
A Pork Cork, a Clam Dam, a plain old Rubber!
A Head Shed, A Knob Swab, a Third Leg Stocking,
It's all the same when your bed starts rocking!

Oh my!

(Then she says:)

If you want to meet me for a little tryst,
put a Coney Island Whitefish on your shopping list!
Slip it on when you're getting hot,
Then no one has to sleep on the gooey spot!

Get a Gent Tent, a Carp Tarp, a Hog Leg Trouser,
A Wood Hood, a Clap Cap, a Doogie Houser
A Wank Tank, a Root Boot, a Prophylactic,
It'll look real slick in a Johnson Jacket!

Wrap that rascal up in a Salami Sling!
When you hit the sack, you're ready Jack,
To do the nasty thing!

Put on a Jock Sock, a Beave Sleeve, a Canyon Coaster,
a Ball Shawl, a Spunk Trunk, a Love Gun Holster!
A Meat Sheet, a Goose Noose, a Rod Partition,
Do the math, there's no new addition!

(THen He says:)

I met a young lady in a singles bar, ooh!
pretty soon we're getting naked in my car!
And now she tells me I'm gonna be a dad
I could kick myself cause I wish I had -

Worn a Muff Moat, a Stilt Kilt, a Large Load Stopper,
A Poon Balloon, or a Totem Pole Topper!
A Wad Pod, a Wet Suit, a Gonad Girdle,
Cause you never know when she might be fertile!

Oh no, ME???

Neutralize your Schlong with a Dong Sarong!
When you're in bed, use a Tickler Head,
And she'll think you're King Kong!

(Her:) Wear a Love Glove, a Squirt Shirt, a Gland Angora,
(Him:) A Bone Beret or a Flesh Fedora!
(Her:) Put one on every time you make it,
(All together now:) Then hope to God that you -- don't -- break it!

[LoneDC5]

Is there any particular tune I need to be singing this to?

BTW: lol

[JnR]

A heads up for you and any friends you have who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month a I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 25-year-old girls come over
to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy tee shirts.
It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead
ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you,
while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Again - please beware of this scam!

[cstrike]

thats not a scam, thats good luck.

[Fanatik]

wtf at first i was like wtf then i was like lol now im like :rotfl:

that shit is funny

[SSMMugenDC5]

is taht for real...

[hueman]

more pics of girl in avy?

[cstrike]

is taht for real...

ban.

[Unplugged]

i'll remember to hide my wallet..lol

[Changeling]

I like how you started it with "A heads up for you"

[skew12]

hahahahahahahahhaha

[Down_Shift]

ooooooo

[Boost_inthebox]

:rotfl::rotfl:


I think I need a set of new metric wrenches... bbl guys

[96accordexsedan]

seen this somewhere before
http://www.kaplink.net/7610/archives/000685.html
thats one, it's been aruond for awhile -_-

[MichaelJr1186]

hmmm it used to be wal-mart and now it's home depot.....ghey but i still like the joke

[ClA]

Its a man.

[loganz]

damn that sucks bro.. sorry

[mode360]

They didn't steal the wallet......it's just a really expensive BJ :laughing:.

[BashX]

pwnt

[Smalls]

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary raises her hand first and says, “My dad’s a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail.”

Little Jack goes next: “My dad’s a doctor. He makes sick people better.”

All the kids in the class take their turn except Little Walter.

The teacher asks him, “What does your dad do?”

Walter replies, “My dad’s dead.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet.

[Warmy]

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary raises her hand first and says, “My dad’s a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail.”

Little Jack goes next: “My dad’s a doctor. He makes sick people better.”

All the kids in the class take their turn except Little Walter.

The teacher asks him, “What does your dad do?”

Walter replies, “My dad’s dead.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet.

1.5/10

[Smalls]

1.5/10
ironically the same score for your threads.

0/10 for your threads in the bar.

[Warmy]

ironically the same score for your threads.

0/10 for your threads in the bar.

now now, the porn threads are good, people like them. It's the Fury threads they don't lol

[Smalls]

now now, the porn threads are good, people like them. It's the Fury threads they don't lol
http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/score001.gif

then.

[Warmy]

Potentially and realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from
that."



So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of
course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house
and send you kids to a great University!"



The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"



The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know
how much a million bucks would buy?"



The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you
and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living
with two hookers and a homo.

That joke is awsome!! hahah


LMAO!!!! :laughing: :laughing:

[Warmy]

http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/score001.gif

then.

thanks! :bow: :laughing:

[beowulf7]

Good to see the joke thread. I remember the original that RickSXType-S created many years ago. Anyway, here's my contribution.

George Carlin's New Rules For 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

[jodster]

Good shit. lol

[Xkwizit One]

Two best friends were having an argument over who's father was better.

Friend #1: My dad's better than your dad because he can rebuild an engine.
Friend #2: Well my dad's better than your dad because he's the best at sports.
Friend #1: Well my dad's better than your dad because he makes more money than your dad.
Friend #2: Well...my mom's better than your mom.
Friend #1: I know thats what my dad says.

A friend of mine told me that joke the other day...he got it frome some magazine.

[Game]

^^^

Not bad. :laughing:

[Smalls]

Three girls go out one night and get really wasted. At the end of the night they part ways and promise to meet the next morning for a big greasy breakfast.

The next morning all three girls show up looking much the worse for ware and begin to retell there various adventures in heading home.

"When I walked through the front door" the first girl starts "I made it about three steps before lying down and blowing chunks for about 15 mins".

The other girls agreed that yes, that was pretty bad.

Then the second girl claimed she could top that. "When I was leaving I thought it would be a good idea to drive my car home, and I subsequently wrapped it round a tree and wrote it off. I'm lucky to be here."

The other two were shocked.

Thinking she could top even that the third girl piped up,"well, when I got home I put the stove on to make some eggs and passed out, forgetting about them and burnt out half my kitchen."

There was a stunned silence until the first girl coughed and said "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is the name of my dog."

[jodster]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"


:D

[jodster]

Two goldfish were in their tank.
One turns to the other and says,
"You man the guns, I'll drive."


buhahaha

[Warmy]

Two goldfish were in their tank.
One turns to the other and says,
"You man the guns, I'll drive."


buhahaha

I don't understand. :confused:

[Warmy]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"


:D

LOL good one!

[Warmy]

Three girls go out one night and get really wasted. At the end of the night they part ways and promise to meet the next morning for a big greasy breakfast.

The next morning all three girls show up looking much the worse for ware and begin to retell there various adventures in heading home.

"When I walked through the front door" the first girl starts "I made it about three steps before lying down and blowing chunks for about 15 mins".

The other girls agreed that yes, that was pretty bad.

Then the second girl claimed she could top that. "When I was leaving I thought it would be a good idea to drive my car home, and I subsequently wrapped it round a tree and wrote it off. I'm lucky to be here."

The other two were shocked.

Thinking she could top even that the third girl piped up,"well, when I got home I put the stove on to make some eggs and passed out, forgetting about them and burnt out half my kitchen."

There was a stunned silence until the first girl coughed and said "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is the name of my dog."

weak...at little better than the previous one you posted that I commented on. 2.5/10

[Smalls]

where are your good jokes? :confused:

[ProjectR]

what do men and money in the bank have in common?

both lose interest after withdrawal

[Warmy]

where are your good jokes? :confused:

LOL, I rarely post them. I had a good one in a previous joke thread that was closed.

But just take a look at Jodster's joke with the whores and the homo. LMAO... that's quality! :laughing: I sent it to people in the office, they loved it.

[Smalls]

congrats.

<--doesnt care. what you might find as not funny, someone else might...

this thread isn't just for you to laugh at. this isn't "make warmy laugh with jokes thread"

[Warmy]

"make warmy laugh with jokes thread"

hey that's great! :thumbsup:

[jodster]

I don't understand. :confused:

There are in their Tank. Like army tank. One is going to drive the tank and the other is going to use the guns.

[Warmy]

There are in their Tank. Like army tank. One is going to drive the tank and the other is going to use the guns.

Oh....heh :D

[jodster]

LOL, I rarely post them. I had a good one in a previous joke thread that was closed.

But just take a look at Jodster's joke with the whores and the homo. LMAO... that's quality! :laughing: I sent it to people in the office, they loved it.

Which one was that again? I fogot. Since I posted it, it much be funny as hell so I know everyone would enjoy it. lol

[Warmy]

Which one was that again? I fogot. Since I posted it, it much be funny as hell so I know everyone would enjoy it. lol

LMAO, it wasn't you that posted it sorry...it's the one with Potentially and realistically as the title

:laughing: however, you posted some A1 jokes in the past. :D

[jodster]

Oh, lol

Heres a new joke!



LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME GANG/CREW NAME___________ CRIB.

1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Dave wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Tom got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

17. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knockup?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

[jodster]

LMAO, it wasn't you that posted it sorry...it's the one with Potentially and realistically as the title

:laughing: however, you posted some A1 jokes in the past. :D


I remember that joke now. Its about the kid that asks his dad about the differences and them goes and ask his mother, sister, and brother of they would sleep with so and so for 1 million buck. Them he comes up with the concusion that Potentially they are sitting on 3 million bucks, but realistically they are living with 2 whores and 1 homo. lol

[Warmy]

1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

He can safely attempt 2 drive-bys if he uses 13 bullets per drive-by, but he will have to reload early in the third drive-by.

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

I don't understand what an 8 ball is in lingo terms

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

3.192 times per day each whore

4. Dave wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

If 1 pound = 16 ounces he needs to make 16 equal ounce bags. However he wants 20% profit. Therefore, 40,000$ divided by 16 = 2500. 20% of 2500 = 500. To make 20% profit out of each ounce bag, he needs to sell them for 3000$ each.

3000 * 16 = 48,000. 40,000 + 20% profit = 48,000.

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

Dumbass question. (1 bmw = 200) + (2 corvettes = 300) + (3 4x4 = 300) = 800. He needs to steal 66% of a corvette to make an even 900$

6. Tom got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

100 * 12 = 1200

1200 * 7 = 7200

10000-7200 = 2800$

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

lol too long to calculate

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knockup?

11.1%

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?


46 weeks

3 rats for 5$ each = 15$ per week. 15*46=690.

10. Marvin steals Joe's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?


1 hour = 60 minutes = 60 seconds. 60 seconds * 60 minutes = 3600 seconds in an hour

15 divided by 3600 = 0.00416666.

0.00416666 * 20 secs = 0.0833332 miles away.

---------------------------------------------------

http://forums.clubrsx.com/customavatars/avatar7162_16.gif

[jodster]

You don't know how much an 8 ball is!?!? You aint gansta enough them.


No I do not know either. lol

And for the hookers I got 4.70 times. Keep your pimp hand strong.

[jodster]

101 things not to say during sex.

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. What tampon?
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream gives me the shits.
11. Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good?
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. So, how's your mother?
45. Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the highway?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more grandparents.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks.
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a sickening confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear? Did I?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Have you ever tried it in the nose?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the nametags, They're to avoid any embarrassment later.
84. Don't mind me… I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[beowulf7]

A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.”

“What are you thinking now?” the wife asks as she undresses.

The husband quickly replies: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

[Herc]

OAKLAND , (CA)--Oakland Raiders football practice was delayed nearly two
hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery
substance on the practice field. Head coach Art Shell immediately
suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the
white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed
after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the
substance again.

Oh snap! :rotfl:

[STiSchucky]

christ are you serious?

[aznstealthsnake]

:repost:

http://forums.clubrsx.com/showthread.php?t=419896

:laughing:

[Herc]

aww snap! :( ....

(runs away before Smalls notices)

[ProjectR]

i guess its been awhile since they've seen a goal line

[Warmy]

A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!"

[Warmy]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?". The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[jodster]

hahaha

Good stuff.

[jodster]

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road rolls in dirt and comes back?




A dirty double crosser

[jodster]

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"


buhahahaha

[Daedalus]

I don't understand what an 8 ball is in lingo terms

8 ball of yayo = 1/8 oz. (and he's ripping off Antonio at $320/ball :eek: )


If 1 pound = 16 ounces he needs to make 16 equal ounce bags. However he wants 20% profit. Therefore, 40,000$ divided by 16 = 2500. 20% of 2500 = 500. To make 20% profit out of each ounce bag, he needs to sell them for 3000$ each.

3000 * 16 = 48,000. 40,000 + 20% profit = 48,000.

you're forgetting that the question was to cut the pound of coke. This means to add another, less expensive, but similar looking powder, to the coke to increase its volume/wieght. So he would have to make 19.2 oz bags [rounded to 20] (or cut in 3.2 oz [rounded to 4] of shit powder to the original pound) to make at least a 20% profit while selling at the same value/oz as he bought it (can't go jackin prices on niggaz wtf).

:tonguegri

[jodster]

One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh.

A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?"

The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."

lol

[Warmy]

you're forgetting that the question was to cut the pound of coke. This means to add another, less expensive, but similar looking powder, to the coke to increase its volume/wieght. So he would have to make 19.2 oz bags [rounded to 20] (or cut in 3.2 oz [rounded to 4] of shit powder to the original pound) to make at least a 20% profit while selling at the same value/oz as he bought it (can't go jackin prices on niggaz wtf).

:tonguegri

LMAO wtf...man I just answered the question logically how it was presented to me. I didn't read anything about adding fake yayo in it lol

[JnR]

ok this is what happening,

my wife is out with family friends, and theyll be back any minute so i need your help

see, i volunteer on my sisters softball team (im 23 the girls are 15)

and whatever yea i met this girl, her name is Alison, and were going out for a while. We have alot in common, sometimes i help her with homework. I helped her on her english essay and she still got a D. This is because the teacher is a prick...anywayz

So she came over like an hour ago,and i really want to lose my virginity, so i ask her to have sex.

"no, no i cant its not right" she said, but i told her "dont worry, i know what im doing, ill be done in like 10 seconds. plus ill give you 2 N64 games if you say yes."

So I gave her Diddy Kong Racing, and Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball, and then she goes to my room. Shes a bit confused and scarred.

Then i think to myself-yo i need lube right? cuz i heard you guys on the vesti saying you need to lube up her clit otherwise it wont fit properly.

Ok so i have no lube, but i really want to lose my virginity- so i grab some butter from the fridge, but its cold, it wont melt-so i microwaved it for 8 minutes, and then i put it in a glass and pured it on her cooter, now shes saying i burned it

I dont know what to do, my wife is going to be back any minute and shes crying in the bathroom plz help you guyz are really smart and please help me.

Any ideas how to shut her up? Should I give her another N64 game?












































took a long ass time to type

[theFlyingCostello]

lol @ trying to pay for sex with didy kong racing

[1slowdc5]

are you fuckin serious

[ProjectR]

:rotfl: wtf

[JnR]

are you fuckin serious

:rotfl: :rotfl:

[Warmy]

Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often........for the same reasons. :rotfl:

[PowerBalls]

What do you get when you fuse an Acura with the a large state in the south?

Texas_RSX!!! Bahahahhaaha.

[Smalls]

e-dick sucking a bit, huh diddy?

just give it a rest already..it's old news and done with...

:coffee:

[PowerBalls]

e-dick sucking a bit, huh diddy?

just give it a rest already..it's old news and done with...

:coffee:

Haha. Got to admit it was clever.

[Smalls]

Haha. Got to admit it was clever.

yes. clever...sorta :D

[Warmy]

Haha. Got to admit it was clever.

Very Clever. FREE TEXAS_RSX :laughing: :thumbsup:

[Snatchback]

what does 80 year old crotch taste like?

Depends.

[Bacon]

What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable?

Putting her back in the wheelchair.

[Bacon]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a
fatal car accident. The couple finds themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin to wonder: Could we possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited and waited. Two months passed and the
couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that If they
were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of
it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck
together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find
a LAWYER?"

[Warmy]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a
fatal car accident. The couple finds themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin to wonder: Could we possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited and waited. Two months passed and the
couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that If they
were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of
it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck
together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find
a LAWYER?"


meh...I'll be generous 3/10 Better than Smalls joke so that's a plus.

+ rep

[westcoastrsx]

what does 80 year old crotch taste like?

Depends.

no need to ask us what it tastes like, you know first hand

[Snatchback]

no need to ask us what it tastes like, you know first hand

well we know you didnt get it.

[Snatchback]

how can you tell when a blonde is confused?

when she has a tampon behind her ear and she cant find her pencil.

[westcoastrsx]

well we know you didnt get it.

man i'm not good at math:rotfl:

[Snatchback]

man i'm not good at math:rotfl:

noooo silly!

Depends are old people diapers. so 80 year old crotch tastes like Depends.... old people diapers.

:lostswimmer:

[Warmy]

The Boss Walked Into The Office One Morning Not Knowing That His Zipper Was Down And His Fly Area Was Wide Open.

His Secretary Walked Up To Him And Said "boss, This Morning When You Left Your House, Did You Close Your Garage Door?"

This Was Not A Phrase That Her Boss Understood, So He Went Into His Office Looking A Bit Puzzled.

When He Was About Done With His Paperwork He Suddenly Noticed That His Zipper Was Down. He Zipped Up And Remembering What His Secretary Had Told Him Earlier, He Finally Understood. He then Intentionally Went Out To Ask For A Cup Of Coffee From His Secretary.

Having More Ego Than Sense, He Walked To Her Desk, Smirked And Asked Her, "when You Saw The Garage Door Open Did You See My Hummer Parked In There?"

The Secretary Smiled For A Moment And Said, "no Boss, I Didn't. All I Saw Was A Mini Van With 2 Flat Tires".

[Bacon]

Not bad. 5/10.

[thetastelingers]

got this in an email a few minutes ago.
A SMALL WHITE DOT A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class ..... And with A piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat Back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was "It's a period," he replied. "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a Period?" "Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing' one. Mom my fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door Joined the Navy.

[Warmy]

Not bad. 5/10.

Yeah, someone forwarded it to me....the ending lacks a bit...meh, maybe some people will like it. :D

[Warmy]

got this in an email a few minutes ago.

hehehehehe :D

[Fanatik]

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

4. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

7. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

8. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

9. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

10. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

11. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

13. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16. Eight new choir robes are currently needed du! e to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

17. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

18. Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased person you want remembered.

19. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

20. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

21. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

22. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

23. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

24. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

25. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

26. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

27. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

28. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

29. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[Rydah858]

0/10

[Phatzilla18]

God's gonna strike you down :noes:

[Kevin949]

I saw one in pennsylvania that said "jesus is the rizzle for the sizzle". I swear. hehe.

[RyosukeFC3s]

I saw one in pennsylvania that said "jesus is the rizzle for the sizzle". I swear. hehe.

lol

[ProjectR]

0/10
:rotfl:

[aozer]

thread fail

[youngn]

0/10

thread fail

:rotfl:

:rotfl:

[TPDuke112]

lol :rotfl: :rotfl: at responses

[Fanatik]

0/10



lol an opinion from someone called

"the illest::rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

gonna hang myself now

[NHB_DC5R]

[23:34] C e N a h 1: how do you fit 1000 jews in a car
[23:34] C e N a h 1: oh wait forgot you are a jew
[23:34] C e N a h 1: nvm
[23:34] SoFarFromReal 08: 4 in the seats the rest in the ash tray
[23:35] C e N a h 1: not what i was going to say
[23:35] SoFarFromReal 08: oh
[23:35] SoFarFromReal 08: what were u gonna say
[23:35] C e N a h 1: i was going to say take 250 trips
[23:35] C e N a h 1: because irespect you guys
[23:35] SoFarFromReal 08: hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha
[23:36] SoFarFromReal 08: thats worthy of its own thread
[23:37] C e N a h 1: lol
[23:37] SoFarFromReal 08: hold up...

[The-S]

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

LOL @ rethspekt

[NHB_DC5R]

crap...i wanted my own thread

[Boost_inthebox]

crap...i wanted my own thread

thread denial faggot:rotfl::rotfl:

[NHB_DC5R]

:lostswimmer:

[NHB_DC5R]

:rotfl:

[BLK04INNC]

A man in his 40's bought a new RSX and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The windows were down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a RSX," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.


lmao...

[jodster]

The Real Jedi Duel



(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down....)

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No, Luke... I am your father!

Luke: No! It's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true.

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader : Yes, C-3PO. I built him -- when I was only seven years old.

Luke: No!

Darth Vader : Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself: No lightsaber, no hand, no job and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp.

Luke: I destroyed the Death Star!

Darth Vader : When you were 20! When I was ten, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!

Luke: Shut up.

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor...! Listen, ten years old and winner of the Boonta Eve Open, the only human to ever fly a Pod Racer -- right here, baby!

(Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.)

Darth Vader : I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine.

(Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.)

Darth Vader : Get a haircut!

[Bacon]

that's awesome +rep.

[jmb_nova]

Werd....

+ Rep

[jodster]

Missing Rooster

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY cock?"

Up stood all the nuns, three altar boys, two priests, and a goat.

[bags]

Missing Rooster

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY cock?"

Up stood all the nuns, three altar boys, two priests, and a goat.

lol

[metronDC5]

hahah a goat

[Reckon]

Goat FTW! =D

- Reckon

[Warmy]

Missing Rooster

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY cock?"

Up stood all the nuns, three altar boys, two priests, and a goat.


bwhahahahahahhahah + rep

[Dr. RSXPiiimP]

[23:34] C e N a h 1: how do you fit 1000 jews in a car
[23:34] C e N a h 1: oh wait forgot you are a jew
[23:34] C e N a h 1: nvm
[23:34] SoFarFromReal 08: 4 in the seats the rest in the ash tray
[23:35] C e N a h 1: not what i was going to say
[23:35] SoFarFromReal 08: oh
[23:35] SoFarFromReal 08: what were u gonna say
[23:35] C e N a h 1: i was going to say take 250 trips
[23:35] C e N a h 1: because irespect you guys
[23:35] SoFarFromReal 08: hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha
[23:36] SoFarFromReal 08: thats worthy of its own thread
[23:37] C e N a h 1: lol
[23:37] SoFarFromReal 08: hold up...

:rotfl: :rotfl:

[Shyne]

The story of the horny rooster

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; "he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem." Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer...."

[Warmy]

The story of the horny rooster

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; "he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem." Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer...."


heh....it's ok, plus heard it before on here. :D